


Picking Up Your Pieces

by kenzz_95



Series: Trektober 2020 [18]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Comforting Each Other, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenzz_95/pseuds/kenzz_95
Summary: Leonard and Jim are both still shaken by the events with Kahn, when Leonard had nearly lost his best friend and the man he loved. They take comfort in each other, because together is where they know they always belong.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: Trektober 2020 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948633
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65
Collections: Trektober 2020





	Picking Up Your Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Trektober Day 17: Nightmares
> 
> I'm really interested in the idea of what Bones went through in that missing time in Into Darkness when Jim is dead and then unconscious. Your best friend dying and then having to compartmentalize all that grief because you're the only one who can bring him back? Honestly sounds traumatizing as hell. One day when I'm feeling like angst I may write Bones' perspective on those two week. For now, have some of the aftermath.

It took him a while to notice, but after about a month Leonard realized that Jim Kirk was living with him. It wasn’t that he didn’t realize that Jim was spending the night on the couch of the ‘fleet apartment they’d put him up in after Kahn, after Jim finally woke up and he actually allowed himself to sleep. He wasn’t a complete idiot, he obviously knew when his own best friend was in his apartment and sleeping on his couch. He just didn’t realize that Jim may as well have been living there, that the man hadn’t spent a single night in his own apartment since he’d been released from the hospital, for about a month. Really more like 5 weeks.

The thing was, Jim left all the time, so it was easy not to realize. He went to his physical therapy appointments, he dragged himself to his mandated therapy while bitching loudly the whole time, and sometimes he was just...places. Leonard didn’t know, he wasn’t Jim’s keeper, as much as he felt like Jim would probably be safer if he was. But Jim always,  _ always _ , ended up back on Leonard’s couch at night. There was always an excuse, too. It was raining and Jim didn’t want to walk across the courtyard to the building they’d put him up in. It was too late and he was tired. He was sore from physical therapy. And sure, Leonard even noticed Jim’d been staying over  _ more _ , but when he thought about it he realized that Jim had crashed on his couch without fail every single night since he got released from the hospital. 

Not that Leonard minded, of course. More time with Jim could only ever be a good thing in his book, and when he woke up in the middle of the night from another one of those horrific nightmares of his best friend, his entire world, dead in a body bag or crashing hard under Kahn’s blood serum or any other of the horrible events from those terrible two weeks that wouldn’t leave his brain, it was nice to have Jim close. So that when Leonard’s 3 am brain, never the most logical of things to begin with, couldn’t quite convince himself that the nightmares were just that and that Jim was fine now, he could see as much for himself. He could get out of bed, pad across cool ‘fleet housing floors and into the little living room where Jim was fast asleep on the couch, chest rising and falling steadily. Alive. It was a comfort, and sure it may’ve been a bit creepy to stand in the doorway watching Jim sleep for minutes at a time, but it was the only thing that could calm him enough after one of those nightmares to get back to sleep again. So he didn’t mind that Jim stayed over a lot, he thought it was nice even, but it was a bit odd, even for them. Maybe he’d bring it up, maybe he should, but there was that old saying about looking gift horses in the mouth, so for now he said nothing.

Sometimes, when the nightmares were particularly bad and Leonard couldn’t get the image of Jim in that goddamn body bag out of his head, he was forced to resort to some mint tea to calm his nerves before he could get back to sleep, even with Jim sleeping peacefully, gorgeous and alive on his couch. Tonight was one of those nights. He hadn’t really said anything because Jim had been the one who died, this wasn’t about him, but Christ did those two weeks weigh on his shoulders heavier than anything ever had in his career by a long shot. But then again this wasn’t really about medicine. It was about Jim being his best friend in the galaxy and probably a million other things that they’d always danced on the edge of but never really discussed. And seeing Jim in that body bag had ripped Leonard apart molecule by molecule, and sure Jim was here now and alive but sometimes he swore he could still feel it because it had hurt - physically, not just emotionally, but he’d  _ felt _ it - more than anything he’d ever experienced. And then he’d been left with the task of going toe to toe with death in a way that he never had before in his career, forcing Jim back not just from the brink but from  _ gone _ , living off nothing but stimulant hypos, coffee, and an occasional nutrient bar for two weeks. Because the fact was that he’d do anything for Jim, he’d always said that, and when worst came to worst he literally did do  _ everything _ for Jim. His medical license, his Hippocratic oath, his career, his commission, his own  _ life _ hadn’t meant a goddamn thing and he’d put them all on the line to get Jim back. So no, he was not “over it” and no, he hadn’t “moved on”, and no, Jim being okay hadn’t “fixed” everything, and it could be so damn frustrating having to pretend like it was all just fine and dandy now.

Leonard tried not to slam his mug against the counter as he made himself tea and mentally bitched about the whole situation. He didn’t want to wake Jim. But as it turns out he didn’t have to worry about that because just as he was pouring hot water into his mug Jim sat bolt upright on the couch, gasping for breath. Tea abandoned, Leonard was at Jim’s side in an instant. But as he placed his hand on Jim’s shoulder, his friend pulled away and breathed,

“I’m fine.”

“The hell you are,” he argued, grabbed his tricorder out of the drawer in the coffee table. Yeah, maybe he’d left his medkit right next to where Jim slept every night. What of it?

He ran his tricorder over Jim then discarded the device when he was certain Jim’s readings were normal.

“See, I’m  _ fine _ . Leave me alone, Bones,” Jim snapped, or at least he tried to. He was still breathless, blue eyes frenzied in the low light of the apartment.

“Just because you ain’t in medical distress doesn’t mean you’re fine, Jim,” Leonard argued, moving in closer to his friend to rub circles into his back, despite his request to be alone. Sometimes what Jim wanted and what Jim needed were entirely different concepts. Jim leaned back into his touch and eventually his breathing became slower, deeper, and more regular. “That’s it, kid, just keep breathing for me. I got you.”

“If you tell anyone what just happened…” Jim began to threaten, pulling away and turning around to look at Leonard, but not quite meeting his eyes.

“I ever betray your trust, Jim?” The very idea was ludicrous.

“Shit,” Jim cursed, leaning against the back of the couch, “I’m sorry.”

“Nothin’ to be sorry for.”

“It’s nearly 0400, why are you even awake? Do you have an early shift or something?”

“No, couldn’t sleep. Got up to make myself some tea.”

Jim simply hummed in response as Leonard got up to finally finish making his tea. Jim looked hesitant, like he wasn’t keen on going right back to bed either. Before he even really thought about it, Leonard asked,

“You wanna come back to my room with me? I’ve gotta finish this tea and you look like you’re gonna be up for a while.”

Leonard figured, once he said it, that Jim would be hesitant and put on a whole show of protesting, but instead he shrugged, wrapped his blanket around his shoulders in an utterly charming way, and followed Leonard back to the bed. 

“Come’ere,” he requested, depositing his tea on the bedside table and Jim got under the covers and curled up into his side. He dropped a soft kiss to the crown of Jim’s head, which was probably pushing their boundaries even given the lately very rapidly evolving nature of their relationship, but he didn’t care. Jim didn’t protest either.

“Does this happen to you a lot lately?” Leonard asked his friend, stroking his hair and relishing the feeling of his heartbeat. Alive and strong and perfect.

“Does this happen to  _ you _ a lot lately?” Jim countered, drawing his brows together. “I’m not an idiot, Bones, and I lived with you for two years. I know you don’t just wander around at 0400 getting tea.”

“This isn’t about me.”

“How come? How come  _ nothing _ is about you, Bones?”

Jim almost sounded angry. Exasperated, definitely. Leonard wasn’t sure where it came from. The odd look in Jim’s eyes when the man propped himself up on his elbows to look at Leonard didn’t help either.

“What’re you talking about, Jim?”

“Everything’s always about other people for you. You’re gonna burn yourself out, Bones, and then what am I gonna do? Who’s gonna pick up my pieces?”

“Where’s this coming from?” Leonard asked. This was so far from what he thought they’d be talking about in here, what he thought they’d be talking about  _ ever _ , that he had no idea what to say. Jim shook his head,

“If I lost you, it would break me.”

“You’re not gonna lose me, Jim, I’m right here and I ain’t going anywhere.”

“I know. I know, I know that. I’m saying...I’ve been thinking a lot about what you did for me. I don’t think I’ve given you enough credit for what you went through while I was out. I don’t know if I could’ve done what you did.”

“‘Course not, you may be too smart for your own good but you don’t have a medical degree.”

“ _ Bones _ .” Jim was serious, and Leonard probably owed him the same but he had no idea how to have this conversation.

“I didn’t have a choice.”   


“You always have a choice. Don’t take that away from yourself. You  _ chose _ to force yourself to keep going, to save me…”

“I didn’t have a choice,” Leonard repeated. Because he hadn’t. His other option was to allow Jim to stay dead, to live in a world without Jim Kirk. It wasn’t a choice for him and it never had been. “And I’d do it all over in a heartbeat.”

“I know. I…” Jim sighed, dragging a hand through messy hair, “I’m trying to tell you that I know what happened to me didn’t happen in a bubble, me...dying, well, that had an impact on other people too. On  _ you _ . So...thank you, Bones. Thank you, and I see you.”

And he did. Jim was looking at him with those bright blue eyes that felt like they were looking into his very soul. With anyone else he would’ve flinched away from the intimacy of it, but he let Jim see him, know him, however he wanted. For the first time in nearly two months, Leonard felt  _ understood _ . That even though Jim couldn’t know what he’d gone through, he at least knew that he went through  _ something _ which was more than what a lot of people seemed to think, including himself sometimes. Getting himself to admit that Jim dying and the aftermath of it was actually traumatic as hell for him had taken him a while. But Jim was right. He  _ saw  _ him.

“Sometimes, when I close my eyes, all I can see is you on that table,” he finally admitted, voice rougher than he thought it would be.

Jim studied him for a moment, then said, “I don’t usually dream of the de-con chamber or any of that, actually. Usually it’s the Enterprise falling, but I can’t stop it, and the whole crew and everyone on the ground…”

“But you saved them, Jim. Because of you, we’re all still here.”   


“And because of you, I’m still here.” Leonard wasn’t going to argue, but the look in Jim’s eyes left no room for argument regardless. Instead he sighed and reached out for Jim again, who rolled closer to him. 

“I like havin’ you here at night. It’s a good reminder that you’re still with me.”

“I like being here at night. Because I know you’d never let me fall, Bones.” Jim’s eyes were wide and full of a whole lot of vulnerability that Leonard wasn’t used to seeing on his friend. It could be the later hour, but he also felt like something about this experience had changed Jim. “Ya know,” Jim continued, “When I was in there and I thought for sure it’d be the end, I kept thinking about all the things I wish I’d done. And this was one of them.”   


“This?” Leonard asked, and Jim answered by leaning in closer and kissing him on the lips, soft and sweet but short, over before Leonard could even really properly start kissing him back. And he would’ve, probably, even though the first time Jim had kissed him, back at the Academy, he’d rejected his friend’s advances.

“This,” Jim confirmed. “Back at the Academy, the first time, you told me you didn’t just want to be another notch in my bedpost and to come back when I was ready for something real. Did you mean that? The come back part?”

“Yeah, I did,” Leonard said, “Still do. You think you’re ready now?”

Jim sighed and stretched a little, muscles pulling tight as he kept eye contact with Leonard. “When I was in de-con, I thought if there was even a  _ chance _ I made it out of there I was going to make sure I spent my second chance doing things that made me happy, not just chasing fleeting moments of it. I don’t really know what that means for myself yet, but I know that means you, Bones. Always has. I understand if I have to prove to you that I’m serious, but I...next time I’m not sure if I’m gonna come out of something, I don’t want you to be a regret.”

“Christ, kid, can we have a respite from the near death experiences? At least until the Enterprise relaunches?” 

“ _ Bones _ ,” Jim insisted, obviously still waiting for an answer. The thing was, Leonard didn’t need him to prove himself or anything of the sort. He could see in Jim’s eyes that he was being serious. So he smiled at his friend softly and leaned in to kiss him. Jim kissed back, eager and happy and  _ alive _ . Finally, Leonard pulled away and muttered,

“How’s that for an answer, Jim?”

Jim’s eyes burned bright and beautiful when he laughed softly, “I think I may need a bit more clarification on that, actually.”

The line wasn’t exactly Jim’s best, but it was 0400 and they’d both been through a lot, that night and in general lately, and, well, Leonard didn’t need much convincing to press his lips back to Jim’s. This was right. Jim  _ fit _ here. And they both had a long road ahead of them before the events of the past couple months were fully behind them, but together they would come out the other end, stronger and better and  _ alive _ . Because they always did, when they were together. And they always would.

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I'm just like *makes the boys be soft with each other*. I love them.


End file.
